Summer can be a source of extreme stress when we as parents have to deal with the absence of an institutional childcare resource and the fear of a considerable amount of time being wasted in non-productive activities. On the other hand, it could be a time for us to bite the bullet and assume the opportunity of instructing our children... ourselves.
While many of us will accept entertaining our kids--the trips, the movies, the outings to the mall, and other activities to which they naturally gravitate, providing a daily activity regimen that will result in substantial growth of skills or knowledge is something we often leave for the schools or others with the required "expertise."
Our family's departure from the typical summer routine this year, enrolling the kids into summer school or a summer fun program, seemed like a bad decision a few short weeks ago. Fueled by speculative optimism that we could equal or surpass what a program could provide for our two daughters drove me to convince my wife that I could provide our two daughters, ages just-made-eight and soon-to-be-twelve, with a structured outcome-oriented summer break.
Perhaps at the root of this "madness" was the personal frustration I felt in not being the one to instruct our daughters in areas for which I felt particularly qualified. Take swimming. Living in Hawaii, we had wanted both girls to become proficient at swimming so they could safely pursue any ocean activity in which they might become interested. And while they don't seem to share dad's love for swimming, surfing, snorkeling, kayaking, or boating they can barely contain themselves when the opportunity comes to go to the beach with friends or to accept an invitation to friends' homes with pools!
My conversations with so many other parents seemed to confirm my own experience that kids are often more apt to learn from someone other than their own parents. In the case of my own daughters, one wanting no advice on her swimming from me and the other wanting to go through another summer of group classes which offered about five minutes of instructional time per session due to the number of children in the group, this was a truism. And while I could understand this, it was something I was having a hard time accepting. After all, there were so many other parents who were directly involved in their children's training. So it was with me. I could not be content sitting on the sidelines and relegating to someone else what I knew I could offer my own children.
Ill-founded or not, the decision for the summer of 2006 was that rather than enrolling the girls into any formal programs, I would provide them with swimming instruction each day along with their spending time reading and practicing piano. From the shaky launching of our at-home summer program to the state of near-awe that I am experiencing today, there were some very important lessons learned here if not yet by our daughters then, certainly, by me!
Lesson 1 - Seize the Opportunity to Train Your Kids
For years, I'd accepted the fact that my daughters were simply uninterested in anything I liked to do. And like many dads, I resigned myself to a "reasonable" amount of quality time with the kids doing what they wanted to do while waiting for "my" personal time when I could run off and do the things I really enjoyed doing.
The only reason the girls agreed to a daily swimming program with me was because it was that or enrollment into summer school. Their reaction to going to the pool during the lap-swimming times vs. the free-swim times made for some very unhappy campers until a deal was cut that every two laps was worth a downloaded song from i-tunes. By the third day the incentive downloads were eliminated (I was already ten dollars in the hole!) and the number of laps completed, to my surprise, became personal goals for each of them.
Had I not gone through the unpleasantry of getting the girls to the pool under sometimes devious means, I am certain it wasn't about to happen on their initiative. And while they could have acquired the skills through any of a number of superb instructors in our area, it's the relationship we're developing in the process that's even more valuable than the swimming skills they're mastering.
As I look back on my own life, all of the instruction and professional coaching I've received over the years as a kid in the YMCA and a competitive swimmer pale in relation to those times my dad spent with me at the beach. I want my daughters to have that.
Sometimes, I think, in our efforts to give our children the best that is available, we miss out on giving what's most important to them--the opportunity to teach them ourselves. Had our bank account been a little more substantial, I would have easily opted for a month-long vacation where all of us would have been enjoying some exciting destination where satisfaction could be had by simply whipping out the credit card or wandering about looking for excitement.
What I've gained from our summer of swimming together has been an entirely new relationship with my daughters... even to the point where they seem to actually enjoy hanging out with their old dad! There's definitely a time when more qualified resources will be more beneficial to our children, but there's a lot that can be accomplished within the realm of our abilities and knowledge... if we seize the opportunity early enough.
Lesson 2 - Give Kids A Routine with Goals
As mentioned earlier, the girls were offered the choice of our own agenda or enrollment into summer school. Both agreed to the former and came up with an agenda to follow each day, an agenda which we all signed and agreed to. Just short of a month of our "summer program" the reading and piano practice are running a bit under promise. However, I feel extremely blessed that both girls have made such outstanding progress in their swimming. Once something they avoided, both have far surpassed my highest expectations and have taken quite well to being "trained" by dad!
Most importantly, I see them falling into a routine, one in which they've come to accept and, I think, even look forward to each day. Rather than the "I'm bored" every half hour, I'm experiencing a "Dad, watch this!" or "Dad, how do you...?"
To me, the routine, be it swimming, walking, practicing an instrument, etc. is something a child comes to own. It's not always easy getting them to fall into a routine but the potential rewards certainly justify any effort you're willing to put forth!
Whether swimming is a part of the girls' future or not is unimportant. What is important is that they've realized what practice can yield and what it means to push beyond one's level of comfort. Laura, our younger of the two, in less than four weeks has gone from not wanting to let go of the wall to swimming a total of 32 laps today!
Lesson 3 - Split The Quality Time
My wife and I had struggled to do things as a family as much as possible simply because it felt the right thing to do. Yet the reality was often four folks with different interests and priorities getting increasingly frustrated with an agenda that ended up making none of us truly happy.
Imagine the scene at the shopping center with four people wanting to go into four different directions... then wanting to eat at four different places, then... well, we all know the scenario.
My time with the girls each day in the pool has created a relationship with each of them that I will treasure the rest of my life. The way in which they interact with me when it's just the three of us is quite different than it is when my wife and I are both present. It's a relationship I would never have realized without the contact hours we've had during this summer break.
What I have to share with my daughters is so very different than that which my wife can share with them and the splitting of our quality time has enabled each of us to broaden what we have to offer them as a couple. At the same time, the simple dynamic of a one-parent activity forces you relate to your kids rather than "minding" them while focusing on your spouse.
We're well aware the "swimming" time can't last forever. But what will continue far beyond the summer is the splitting of quality time we'll plan with our daughters. Time where it's just one parent and the girls or one parent and one girl.
Lesson 4 - Do it Now!
In sharing what we've been doing over the summer, so many friends with older children have told me to get all the time you can with your kids before they hit the age when hanging with mom or dad is something of the past.
As I look at Kristen, our older daughter, entering the seventh grade and Laura, entering the third grade with an outlook that seems to have been accelerated due to her association with an older sister, I cannot help but wonder just how many more summers will pass before they're too old to hang with mom and dad. Many of us have the best intentions for really spending serious time with our kids... when the finances are better, when work lets up, or whatever else and often that time never comes.
Whether they admit it or not, kids want to spend time with their parents, they want to learn from their parents, and there's much that can be gained by all of us in increasing our presence in their lives. Summer can be a great time to give our children the gift of sustained quality time through a meaningful and goal-oriented routine. Whatever it is you'd like to share with your children, do it now for we all know just how quickly time flies.
Indeed, these are the best of times. Be sure to be a part of them and you might find you and your children have more interests in common than either of you realized!
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The author, Richard Young, is the creator of HawaiiBeachcombers.com, a website about Hawaii beaches and his favorite activities toward which he hopes his daughters will develop some interest.
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